Sunday, February 21, 2010

30 Signs You're Dating A Jerk

We've already armed you with a checklist of traits that might indicate that your boyfriend is a loser or majorly annoying, but what about that oh-so-common creature, The Egomaniac? Here are 30 signs you might be dating the ultimate narcissist in disguise.

  1. He can't take an innocent joke at his expense.

  2. He works in advertising, has an M.D., or is the lead singer and/or most good-looking member of a band.

  3. He tells you about the assorted girls who hit on him. Or worse, the ones who looked at him and thus OBVIOUSLY wanted to hit on him.

  4. He gives you a verbal resume on a first date. Even if it sounds impressive, run.

  5. He begins 75 percent of sentences with I.

  6. He gets irritable when you IM while he's busy at work, but doesn't think twice about bugging your ass all day long when things are "slow" for him.

  7. He tells you about the extreme minutiae of his day as if it’s fascinating.

  8. He complains about how uncomfortable he is because it’s hot/cold/crowded, when clearly everyone in the situation is uncomfortable.

  9. He's an advocate of unprotected sex because his penis is "too big" for condoms and/or he knows how to pull out with 100 percent accuracy.

  10. He likes to talk about how successful he intends to be in the future, insisting that money won't be an issue despite the fact that he has four roommates and no career to speak of.

  11. He has a verbal tick which requires him to preface everything with "I feel like ..."

  12. He zones out when you're talking to him because he can't be bothered to focus on anything outside himself for more than 30 seconds at a time.

  13. He couches every apology for wrongdoing in a subtle justification or excuse for his behavior. Ex: "I'm sorry I walked out on you in the middle of that movie the other night. I was really frustrated and upset. I just couldn't sit through it."

  14. He fixates on how he's perceived by your friends and family, whether they like him, what they say about him, what they think of him.

  15. He obsesses over decisions related to his appearance, like how many centimeters to take off at his next haircut.

  16. He makes someone else record his voicemail message, so it seems he's more important than he is.

  17. He's obsessed with making his XBox avatar look exactly like him.

  18. He updates his Facebook status more than once a day.

  19. He refers to everyone as "lil' b---- ."

  20. He refers to himself in the third person.

  21. He really doesn't think waiting for a table at a restaurant is something someone like him should have to do.

  22. He really wants to be famous. For something. He's just not sure what. But something.

  23. He brags about how much money he makes, or even worse, will make someday if he stays on his career track.

  24. He's determined to please you in bed, but mainly because he doesn't want to ruin his record of "always making a girl come."

  25. If you make suggestions about how he could be better in bed, he twists around the problem to be your fault — you're too uptight, not relaxed enough; you must not like sex; you must have intimacy issues, etc.

  26. He is concerned about how your funky outfit/makeup/etc. will reflect on him in front of his more conservative friends or parents.

  27. He fishes for info on how much money your ex boyfriends made.

  28. He talks about himself in superlatives, like "I'm the smartest guy you'll ever date" or "My boss says I'm the best employee he's ever had in his whole life."

  29. He asks you, point blank, if he's the best you've ever slept with.

  30. He's too busy to help you move but still wants you to come watch his poetry slam.

Perfect Date Tips For Amazing Sex and Healing

The shared pleasure of a sumptuous meal is a lovely way to unite two loving souls. But if you also want to unite sexually, eat early and take two hours to digest before making love.

1.) Try an early dinner and make your date a dessert date. A light dessert (as opposed to something large and sinfully rich) is a fun way to share something sensuous.

2.) Or, make love before dinner. Instead of using the intimacy of a meal to bring you together, why not work up an appetite with a delicious intimate encounter?

3.) If you drink alcohol on your date, keep it moderate. Alcohol can be a sexual asset if one of you is nervous or shy, but drinking can also inhibit sexual function by sedating your nervous system.

4.) Be careful about your after-dinner coffee. If you need caffeine to jump start lovemaking, don’t drink so much that you won’t be able to sleep afterward.

5.) The room you make love in should be cozy and warm. If your feet are chilled, it may take more genital stimulation to warm them up.

Types of Breakups Ranked by Recovery Time

Which element of a breakup dictates recovery time more: the type of breakup, or the person you broke up with? My theory is the type of breakup you experience determines how long it takes to get over it more than the actual person.

Here are 7 different types of breakups ranked by shortest recovery time to longest recovery time:

7. The Mutual Breakup

This is as peaceful a breakup as you can have, like when the entire family agrees it's time to pull the plug on grandpa's respirator: he is freed of his misery, and the family feels a sense of relief. I've never had a mutual breakup. I can't catch that lightning in a bottle. But it can't be that tough to recover from a mutual breakup and get back out in the dating scene again.

6. The Circumstantial Breakup

A cousin of the mutual breakup, the circumstantial breakup occurs when the environment around you won't permit the relationship to continue: my parents hate you, you're in Cali and I'm in NY (or even, you're one town over), I need to be single for a while, etc. Recovery time is shortened because the other person offers an excuse that takes the focus off your weaknesses or unattractive qualities that could have caused a breakup.

5. The Ultimatum Breakup

The most common ultimatum leading to a breakup is: "ask me to marry you within the next year of I'm out of here." Other conflicts could cause ultimatums as well: change your religion, get rid of that stupid old car, etc. Ultimatum breakups can be tough to get over because it's annoying that a little compromise could have prevented it. But once it's over, that pressure from the stalemate you reached in the relationship is gone, so it's quite a relief.

4. The Something Someone Said Breakup

My friend broke up with his girlfriend he was dating for years, and he mentioned a conversation that occurred shortly before they broke up. They were discussing wedding rings, and she asked how much he'd spend. He simply hasn't studied the "market" so he threw a number out there: "I don't know, $5,000." She scoffed and said: "You should spend no less than $20,000."

He told me after she said that, he couldn't think of her the same way anymore. In fact, it put a figurative "X" over her image in his eyes. They eventually broke up, and this conversation was the springboard. This type of breakup is painful because you wish you could take something you said or did back.

3. The I've Been Cheating

Whether you find out from them or some other way, it's the ultimate betrayal when they are cheating on you. You can get over it because you dismiss this person as a cheating jerk, but you still feel stupid and you might spend several months envisioning the cheating or trying to regain faith in the opposite gender.

2. The First Love Breakup

The First Love breakup is one of the toughest to overcome. Some say you never get over it. This breakup teaches us that the world is a bigger place than we thought. There are more people to meet, there are bills to pay, there are places to go. Things just can't stay the same as they once were.

Mine hit me when I got to college and my girlfirend stayed behind in high school. Eventually, we had to move on. The first love breakup is hurts so much because you've never experienced this feeling of loss and disappointment before. And, it's part of growing up and growing up is usually a painful process.

1. The Blind Side

My friend recently blind sided his ex. After she cried for an hour, he decided he had put in enough time and he left. This is traumatic because it comes out of nowhere. The blind sider may have been thinking about it for months, and they conceal their intentions, then drop the bomb while everything seems to be going well. In fact, the couple may have spent time together the night before, but the blind sider did so out of obligation.

Blind Sides chip away at your ability to trust. If someone can break up with you when things seem to be going so well, you'll have a tough time avoiding paranoia and trusting your new partners.