Here come the swingers: The ideological fallacy of “open” relationships

“I would love to have an open marriage,” sighs a 40-something friend over her fourth glass of wine, “I love my husband, but I know his every touch, move. Whatever you do, it becomes boring.” She goes on to expound at drunken length on societal double-standards, her need for “sensual experiences,” and fabulous gay couples who have it all. “They’re both at the same party and making out with different people. And they totally love each other. That’s amazing, isn’t it?”

The 32-year old sitting next to me concurs with due gusto. It’s not just gay folks — she knows at least two married couples with equally “beautiful” relationships. The world is changing, and she with it. She’s already made up her mind. Marriage is fine, but monogamy is totally out. “I can’t even imagine what it would be like having sex with just one person all my life,” she declares, wrinkling her pretty nose in horror.

I’m thinking: how did this happen? I moved from San Francisco to Bangalore, and I’m still the stodgiest person in the room! Married 15 years and not one affair to show for it. And this despite having no overarching moral objection to infidelity, as such. Many of my dearest friends in the United States have led – and in some cases, still lead — the most colourful lives. And more power to them.

Yet there is something about our new-found obsession with infidelity that makes me uneasy.

Everywhere I turn these days, there’s someone touting the virtues of sexual variety. “Extra-marital affairs are oh so common,” declares my sunday newspaper:

Says socialite Sonu Wassan, “To bring back the spark in the marriage, an affair can act as a catalyst.” Adds Arjun Sawhney, who runs a PR firm, “Humans are not monogamous, so if you feel it’s fine and your partner is okay with it, go for it. Variety is the spice of life.”

The message is no different in an Outlook magazine article that celebrates “a subculture.. which is dancing an unconventional dance to the conventional song of marriage.” Here are middle-class housewives in open marriages, swinger parties with “grope walls” and its organiser who celebrates a new kind of upward mobility:

The internet has broken barriers. Earlier, swinging, like other non-conformist sexual activities, was confined to the rich and fashionable circles. The internet has brought this opportunity to the urban middle class. My parties mostly include married, middle-aged, committed couples who are looking for ways to make their marriage more interesting.

Also clear is the author’s view that these unconventional “pioneers” are to be celebrated. There’s no mention of monogamy of the happy kind. The contrast is instead offered by the “large number of low-conflict, melancholic marriages” of people ranging from their late 30s to the early 50s.” These are the losers who “either felt more comfortable existing within the rules of melancholy marriages/relationships or with breaking them completely through affairs and divorce, than by revising their mindset towards relationships.”

The tone slips from describing – without judgement – alternative sexual lifestyles to prescribing them as a healthy alternative to either monogamy or divorce (or infidelity that leads to divorce). In the guise of sexual liberation, we’re back to judging people’s choices. According to this new ideological polarity, you are either a bed-hopping hero “on the frontlines” or a scared little mouse hiding behind convention.

The argument is also oddly familiar. It reminds me of a conversation about a fellow classmate’s divorce: he fell in love, left spouse, and then remarried.

“What’s wrong with him, yaar? I also have my fun, and that’s okay. He’s a man. But I take care of responsibilities. I’d never do that to my kids,” pronounced my old and very Punjabi male friend, with self-righteous disapproval.

In many ways, the fuss over open relationships is just old wine in a more progressive bottle. Or as another friend wryly put it, “It’s still about finding a way to have your cake and eat it too.” Except this time around, the women get to play as well.

Every fantasy of the “open” relationship assumes — like my school friend — we can bind desire with rules, parameters, and boundaries till it becomes safe. The aim is still to save that all-important marriage from the perils of sexual desire. If we can’t erase the damn thing, let’s just domesticate it instead.

Its advocates offer only the most comforting examples, as in author Holly Hill who blithely declares, “If [my husband] went to the pub, spotted a girl and wanted to go back to hers for a quickie, I’d be like, ‘Go for it, darling!’”

Her logic is alluring: “Because when you have occasional lovers outside of your relationship, you don’t take your partner for granted. In fact, it often helps reinforce why you love your partner in the first place.”

Except what if it doesn’t? What if that roll in the hay leads to infatuation, even love? Soon enough, you’re having dutiful sex with the spouse (surely extra reassurance is required when you’re bonking girls in pubs) – while fantasising you’re with someone else. Hmm, why does that sound familiar?

I’ve heard it over again, from cheating middle-aged husbands, nubile college girls, bored housewives, thirty-something San Francisco hipsters. Monogamy is unnatural, unsustainable, unworkable etc. But so are open relationships in the long run. Sooner or later, one person will get jealous, fall in love, or change his/her mind. That’s life. The minute you institute an open-door policy in your marital bed, everything is up for grabs. The risks are different but no less grave than old-fashioned monogamy.

I’m all for sexual diversity and tolerance. Let a million sexual lifestyles bloom. But whether you choose to swing, cheat or stay faithful, there are no win-win solutions for the travails of modern love. Monogamy may soon be just one choice on the matrimonial menu. But you still have to choose.

Better Sex Life by Closer Love and Sex Relationships in Married Life

Sex life becomes routine and boredom after some time. Most of the married couples suffer from this problem majorly, as their relations grow older. The affection and closeness in some of the cases keeps going and so is the case with love and sex relationships.

In most of the cases husband and wife cannot get enough time for each other that abstains them in enjoying better sex life. Absence of sex life is a common problem that exists in their married life and disturbs their closeness and affectionate relationships.

With the increasing stressful and busy life, it is nowadays becoming very hard to come up with better sex life. But believe it or not giving some time for each other will automatically enhance your relationships and you can lead much pleasing life all together. You will easily find more time for love and sex as you really want it to have.

Communicating with each other, giving much time to each other, listening to what your partner has to say, etc. can bring out fantastic changes in your married life as well as sex life.

Have friend ship with each other for enhanced love and sex relationships

Living as close friends is perfect for married couples. Todays women and men can brilliantly enhance their love and sex relationships when you treat each other just like friends. Have friend ship with each other so that you can enjoy most of the time with your partner.

If marriage life is to be lived well and smoothly, then be friends and not just partners. The things we always do for our friends should also be done for our partners. Be as wheels of a vehicle and you can run your married life vehicle quite smoothly without having any disturbances and tensions involved in it.

Five tips for getting over a break-up

Breaking up is hard to do: Pamela Allardice shares five ideas for getting through the dark times and finding a way forward.

1. Let it out

Disappointment and anger will fester if you keep them cooped up. Go for a run, chop wood, learn boxing, scream, or kick a cardboard box to pieces. These emotions can also be used to the good. Get busy and clean house, scrubbing, sweeping, polishing and tossing trash. Physical activity eases mental anguish and you'll find satisfaction in a job well done.

2. Allow yourself to grieve

Mourning is a natural reaction to loss, and the more intense the relationship was, the more you'll grieve. When we give our heart to another person, we trust them with the essence of who we are. When this connection is broken we feel as though we have not only lost the other person, but that we have lost a chunk of ourselves. Grieving presents in several forms: you may feel numb; you may brood and continually go over what went wrong; and you will undoubtedly feel just plain miserable. You can't go around this mountain of sad feelings — you have to go through them. Yes, it will hurt like hell. But it will make you strong.

3. Find closure

In order to make room for the next stage of your life, this relationship needs to become part of your past, not your present. A formal 'closing ceremony' may help. It doesn't have to be complicated. Set aside an hour where you can sit undisturbed. Have paper and a pen handy. Head one sheet of paper with "What I will miss about this relationship …". Head the second, "Things I won't miss …"; the third, "What I’ve learned about myself during this time …" and the last, "What I want from a future partner is …". Be honest. By opening up, you will gain a greater understanding of yourself and be able to accept the loss.

4. Find forgiveness

When you've been dumped, this is the toughest call of all. It's also necessary, because otherwise you'll find it hard to move past your hurt, and may unconsciously see yourself as a victim. Before you list your ex's faults and swear that you'll see him in hell first, understand that forgiveness doesn't mean that what he did to you was acceptable. It means you don't want to be angry with him any more; it's not worth it. Continuing to hate them will make you cynical and bitter. Deciding to forgive and let go means you take back control and focus on a positive future — yours.

5 Move on

Ultimately, the most important thing you will learn from breaking up is to have faith in yourself. By working through the pain, you will come to understand that you are resilient and courageous enough to cope with change and challenges. Tape these words from French philosopher Jean de la Fontaine to your mirror: "I bend but I do not break."

Relationship conflict does not change throughout marriage says study

How much do you fight with your spouse? Do you fight like cats and dogs or are your arguments limited to a few small tiffs? Either way, a new study has found that the current level of conflict probably won't change throughout the relationship and heavily impacts on overall happiness.

The US study found that this was good news for the 16 percent of couples who report little conflict or even the 60 percent who have only moderate levels of conflict.

However, the study was not so good for the 22 percent of couples who say they fight and argue with each other a lot.

Lead author of the study and assistant professor of human development and family science at Ohio State University, Claire Kamp Dush said the results showed there wasn't a lot of difference in conflict over time.

"There was a very slight decrease in the amount of conflict reported in the final years of the study, which was slightly larger for the high-conflict couples. Still, the differences over time were small," she said.

Data was collected by surveying almost 1000 married people under 55 years old for more than 20 years between 1980 and 2000.

Throughout the study marital conflict was measured by how often respondents said they disagreed with their spouse — never, rarely, sometimes, often or very often — and, based on these results, the couples were placed into high-, middle- and low-conflict marriages categories.

Dush said those in low-conflict marriages were more likely than others to say they shared decision-making with their spouses.

"That's interesting because you might think that making decisions jointly would create more opportunities for conflict, but that's not what we found," she said.

"It may be that if both spouses have a say in decision making, they are more satisfied with their relationship and are less likely to fight."

Those in the low-conflict group were also found to believe in traditional, life-long marriage.

"People who believe marriage should last forever may also believe that fighting is just not worth it. They may be more likely to just let disagreements go," Dush said.

The results of the study were then used to identify how overall conflict was related to overall marital happiness.

The marriages surveyed were set into classifications of volatile, validator, hostile and avoider.

About 54 percent of couples fell into the lower conflict validator category and had lower low levels of divorce, high and middle levels of happiness and no more than middle levels of conflict.

"The validator marriages are often seen as positive because couples are engaged with each other and are happy. We found that in these marriages, each partner shared in decision making and in housework," Dush said.

The other low-conflict couples, around six percent, were in the avoider marriages. These couples had more traditional marriages in which husbands were not involved in housework and the participants believed in life-long marriage.

"These couples believed in traditional gender roles and may have avoided conflict because of their beliefs in life-long marriage. These couples were also unlikely to divorce," Dush said.

On the other hand, about 20 percent of those surveyed were in volatile marriages — high conflict and high or middle levels of happiness. The remaining participants were in hostile marriages, which were the most likely to divorce.

Although couples in both validator and avoider marriages tended to have lower levels of conflict, Dush believes that validator marriages may be the healthiest for couples.

"Avoiding conflict could lead couples to avoid other types of engagement with their spouse," she said.

"A healthy marriage needs to have both spouses engaged and invested in the relationship."

What bothers men and women most about cheating?

When it comes to infidelity what aspect of cheating bothers men and women the most? A new study has revealed that while men focus on whether their partner had sex with someone else, woman focus on whether their partner was in love with someone else.

New research based on the US TV show Cheaters, which catches unfaithful spouses in the act, suggests that its findings could shed light on how our psychology evolved, Live Science reported.

While scientists have long suggested that men and woman tend to act differently to adultery, with men caring more about sexual infidelity and woman caring more about emotional infidelity, the explanation surrounding this is based on evolution.

Researcher Barry Kuhle, who is an evolutionary psychologist at the University of Scranton in Pennsylvania, says men want children that they know are their own, while women want a partner to care for them, not their rivals.

Until now past studies of gender reactions to jealousy have been measured on a memory or an imagination basis with participants asked about past experiences or how they would react is their partner was unfaithful.

Cheaters however, captures real-time reactions, and Kuhle believes this study of this kind being one of the only ways to observe actual jealous behaviour. On the show investigators uncover evidence of infidelity, and the producers record jealousy-fuelled interrogations of cheaters by victims.

Kuhle and his colleagues have analysed 51 episodes of Cheaters with 75 cases of victims interrogating cheaters — 45 female victims and 30 male victims. And their findings show that men usually asked more about sex and women asked more about emotion.

"The emotion of jealousy shows clear evidence of evolution's fingerprints," Kuhle said.

"Natural selection has designed men to be acutely sensitive to being cuckolded and women to losing their partner's time, attention and resources. Our skulls house a Stone Age mind in a modern-day world."

The study found that male victims asked questions about sex about 57 percent of the time, while female victims, only asked about sex 29 percent of the time. On the other hand, female victims asked about emotion with questions such as "Do you love her?" in 71 percent of cases, compared with just 43 percent for male victims.

"Actual jealous behaviour from men and women who have actually been cheated on conforms to evolutionary psychological expectations and dovetails perfectly with research done previously that asked people to anticipate how they would behave in these circumstances," Kuhle said.

When questioned about the realness of the Cheaters episodes, after concerns regarding this work were raised Kuhle argued it is unlikely that most of the show's 400 to 450 love triangles were staged. He said that "it would be unethical and impractical to design a true experiment in which researchers hired confederates to sleep with participants' partners and then observed the participants' upset at and interrogations of their partners."

Kuhle said it was important to keep in mind that not every couple would necessarily conform to these findings.

"Every man and every woman did not conform to this pattern," he said.

Sex Tips: The Quickest Way to Drive Him Wild Is...

If you’d really like to shake things up in the bedroom, we’ve got a super simple sex tip for you. This one requires no special moves or bedroom savvy. In fact, it’s something you’re probably already pretty skilled at. Let your boyfriend watch you masturbate. He’ll go nuts. It’s a great way for you to show him what makes you feel good. You could use a vibrator or just your hand. You could even ask him to rub your shoulders, massage your breasts or make out with you while you’re pleasing yourself. And if things get really hot, ask him to lend a helping hand downstairs.

Post-Sex Etiquette for the Modern Lover

If You've Just Gotten Lucky...

A good cuddle after a vigorous mating ritual is what separates us from the animals. To suggest that you have personal space issues or are sensitive to over-stimulation after you’ve had your orifices intimately explored is downright rude. A minimum of fifteen minutes of quality embracing/back tickling/hair tousling is in order, no matter how tired or full of remorse you are. If you’re on the other side of the fence and could happily cuddle all night, you should never expect or demand that the snuggling last for longer than an hour.

If the hook-up takes place after dark, it’s only polite for the cuddling to automatically progress into the sleepover phase. Don’t stress about the implications — there are none. Sharing unconsciousness is not necessarily a symbol of commitment or love, it’s simply a nice thing to do. It’s the hot monkey lovin’ that has the messy implications.

If You’re the Host...

If the sun has already set, you may ask your date to vacate the premises only in case of emergencies: your parents are visiting early the next morning, you suffer from a sleep apnea disorder, your house is on fire. Other than that, if it’s midnight and you’re spooning naked in bed, you should suggest, during the cuddling, that your guest stay the night.

If you have reservations about this person sleeping over before you have sex, then may we suggest keeping your pants on? Because after the sex, you have no option.

As for the next morning, we think it’s a nice touch to offer your guest coffee, at the very least. Or, if the cupboards are bare, suggest heading out for brunch — unless, of course, it’s mutually obvious that you’d both rather be elsewhere... and quickly.

If You’re the Guest...

If you have an early wake-up call, you’re allergic to your date's cat, or you think you may have left the stove on, you may politely excuse yourself, though you should explain yourself and also demonstrate regret over your departure. If you’d like to stay over but your host doesn’t extend a formal invitation, we think it’s okay to assume the invite is implicit.

Come morning, however, you shouldn’t outstay your welcome. In the first weeks of a relationship, leave as soon as the crossword has been completed — assuming, of course, that you can get through it together in an hour or two. (If not, have you considered sudoku?)

Relationships: Are You Expecting Too Much?

Dating around is exciting, even healthy. Exploring what it’s like to be with all different kinds of people is really the best way to evaluate the one that’s best for you. But what happens when you finally want to settle down, and you find that you can’t? It can be a sad thing when you’ve actually tossed the this-is-just-a-trial-period mindset, fallen head over heels for someone and want to make it work … but it doesn’t. The freedom to relationship hop is fun when you want it. But it’s a whole different story when you feel like it’s your only option.

If you’re ready to get one guy to actually stick, but none are, here’s a scary fact: the only certain common denominator between all of those relationships that didn’t work is ... you. Thinking about what was wrong with him is a great start, but you’ve only done half the work until you consider what you might be doing wrong. I’ve had to do it, and it sucks. But it's worth it.

Here are three major areas where women often run in to trouble:

You always want him to anticipate your needs.
Maybe you’re tired and would love a calm, relaxing night at home with none of your guy’s friends hanging around. Maybe you wish he’d realize it drives you insane when his mother comes over and starts cleaning your apartment and that he’d say something to her about it. Whatever the needs may be, women often expect men to foresee them. We can become quiet, cold and just plain pissy because a.) something pissed us off and b.) he couldn’t figure out what it was on his own.

Sometimes it should be obvious to a guy (my ex once yelled at me in front of his friends and guilt washed across his face immediately after. See, they’re capable of figuring some things out!), but for the more subtle things, his only responsibility is to address what you’re upset about, not predict it. For whatever reason, men tend to tell us immediately when something bothers them, so they rarely have to get upset with us for not figuring out what they need. Their immediate communication makes things a little easier, so maybe we could take a tip from them and just say what’s on our minds, too.

You always want to be # 1 on his priority list.
“The 49er’s, God, my country, my family, my friends, my career, and you.” This is the priority list a past boyfriend once felt the need to inform me of after I was so bold as to ask him out to dinner when I “knew the 49er’s were playing that night!” (His words -- and no, I didn’t know).

Your immediate reaction to this list is probably something like… “a*%hole!” And though he could have put it more tactfully, I later saw some logic behind the way his priorities stacked up. We had only been together for two months. His family, his friends, his career and yes—those oh-so-holy 49er’s—had been in his life long before I had, and, to top it off, he knew they were there to stay. The length of my existence in his life was far less predictable at that time.

It’s easy to get aggravated when we feel like a guy is putting everything else before us, but we have to be reasonable about just how much he should sacrifice for us early on in a relationship.

Ok, honestly, my ex could have missed one 49er’s game to have dinner with me. But for me to have ever asked him to miss a family event, maybe a work-related trip or even to start skipping out on guy’s nights would have been unreasonable at that time. When a relationship really starts to get serious and a guy can tell you’re there to stay, then he can start re-evaluating his priorities. (God forbid a potential wedding date ever conflicts with a 49er’s game for my ex!)

You want him to text and call you multiple times throughout the day, from morning ‘til night.
Some guys do this, and that’s great. It keeps you feeling connected if he texts you little funny things throughout the day or sends you pictures/YouTube videos etc. However, if you really think about all of your girlfriends who have ever dated, what is a pretty universal desire of women? “I wish he would call me more!”

Obviously, men just aren’t attached to their phones as we are. More often than not, it’s nothing personal. Women thrive on relationships and intimate connections -- we evolved that way, so we can start to feel very disconnected if we don’t hear from a guy all day. My brain can run a million miles a minute if I don’t hear from a boyfriend all day: “Is he mad at me? Is he reconsidering how he feels about me? Is he dead?!”

And then I feel like an idiot when he finally does call, totally calm and sweet as if nothing is wrong.

Oh yeah…nothing is wrong. It was all in my head. Trouble is, at that point I’m already aggravated and I let him know it. This is not at all a rare beginning for a fight between couples.

To avoid the above crazy train of thoughts and ensuing argument, find a girlfriend you can text with throughout the day. Just having that constant communication with someone could distract you from the fact that it’s not your boyfriend. There’s a reason so many women jokingly set their Facebook statuses as “In A Relationship with [Insert name of best friend here].” It’s because they are in a relationship—a phone relationship.

It’s smart to figure out what you want and need from a relationship. Dating around can help you develop a mental (or real) list of must-have’s and can’t-live-with’s. But if you’re starting to wonder why you haven’t dated anyone longer than a few weeks or even months, it can’t hurt to re-evaluate that list and tweak it, just a little.

Julia Austin is a freelance writer living in Los Angeles.

3 Things You Should Never Ever Do Before a First Date

Dating is nerve-racking enough--you don't to add to the drama by making a beauty misstep right before you head out the door. Here are three things I suggest you all avoid pre-date...

Avoid:

1) Waxing your mustache or eyebrows. Not that you shouldn't do this at all--just not right before you leave. You don't want to end up with some post-removal redness on your big night, so try to get this in a day or two beforehand.

2) Shaving with an old razor. It's hard to feel cute when you've got painful, stinging razor burn on your legs. So switch to a new razor if yours has gone through more than a few uses.

3) Trying out a new perfume. I love fragrance and I'm all for switching it up. But scent is really personal and you might just not feel quite yourself if you don't smell like you. Plus, since body chemistry can push different notes in different fragrances, you might end up not loving it later in the night. And smelling odd is no fun. Therefore I say stick with one you know the evening of a first date.

Of course women love sex!

By Susan Daly
Wednesday Nov 3 2010

The battle of the sexes has claimed a new casualty. Actor Stephen Fry was drawn into the fray over a magazine interview in which he was quoted as saying that women only had sex to ensure they kept hold of their relationship.

Fry has since claimed he was misquoted and that the "humorous" tone of the article was missed. His remarks, accurate or not, were all the tinder needed to reignite the debate about what women and men want -- and who wants it more.

There seems little doubt that women are traditionally thought to be less interested in sex than men.

Safe sex will help save the planet!

Green News Alert! Forget planting trees, or turning off the lights. According to London School of Economics, society’s focus on green technology is a complete waste of our time.

Economists claim that family planning through contraception is the cheapest way to reduce carbon emissions. Every $7 spent on improving access to contraception would reduce carbon emissions by more than a ton, which is a great return. Conversely, you need to spend $30 on green technologies to see the same reduction.

If people who want access to services like the birth control pill got it, unintended births would be reduced by 72 percent, and thus future carbon emissions would be reduced. Fewer people, less carbon and a happier planet.

The London School of Economics isn't the first to point out that reducing the number of children you have is a powerful way to cut back your total environmental impact. Earlier this year, an environmental adviser for the UK controversially called on the government to provide better access to contraception and abortion as a crucial piece of its anti-global-warming policy.

Do you think getting contraception to people who want and need it should be the focus of climate change policy? Or should we be looking at bigger and smarter ways to help save the planet?

Does your dress size affect your sex life?

You’ve had a great night together, a glass or two of wine. He kisses you, his gaze meets yours. It should be intimate and exciting…yet all you can see is your stretch marks, all you can feel is his hand on your massive thighs. He must wonder why you’re wasting your time at the gym! He’s probably feeling ripped of because you wore a Wonderbra.

Negative body image is an instant mood killer for women and it doesn’t matter how slim, curvy or tone you are; it’s what’s going on inside your head that counts. “When a women of any size or shape doesn’t feel comfortable with her body for whatever reason, it will affect her sex life – possibly making her self-conscious and causing her difficulty in getting aroused and enjoying the experience,” says Vivienne Lewis, psychologist and body image expert.

Body insecurity isn’t just a problem for those on the larger end of the scale. “Women who have always been judged as too thin probably don’t feel ‘normal’ or feel that guys would desire them,” says Dr Janet Hall of sex-therapy.com.au. She also says that petite women can lack sexual confidence if they have small breasts. “I weigh 50kg and have absolutely no boobs. I live in padded bras. When I first met my ex, I wore a push-up bra to bed and it kept riding up. I felt ridiculous; I kept trying to pull it down without him noticing. When he tried to take it off, I rushed the sex to distract him,” says Maria 26*. Then this from Lara, 25*: “I’ve put on weight since I moved in with my boyfriend. I cook more, exercise less and go out to restaurants with him. I feel fat all the time and my sex drive has disappeared. We once had sex every couple of days, now it’s once a fortnight. He tries so hard to get me in the mood, but I just cant enjoy it when I know I look this way.”

Its an all too familiar story, says Lewis: “ If a woman doesn’t feel confident with her body, she won't feel confident being naked, because in this situation you need to relax in order to experience pleasure.” But this perceived lack of sexual attractiveness is rarely seen by the eyes of the beholder. “Body consciousness is a perception of how your body appears to you,” explains Lewis. “Realise that your partner is far less critical of your body than you are. Try to focus on the experience and your partner, rather than yourself – it’ll help you relax and enjoy pleasure much more.”

Fat guys better in bed?

When it comes to sex, size really does matter... waist size!

According to new research, men with a higher Body Mass Index are more capable of satisfying their sexual partners.

The study, which was carried out at Turkey's Erciyes University, found that heavier men lasted an average of 7.3 minutes in bed, while it was all over for the thinner guys before two minutes was up.

Science bods now say that larger men last longer because they have higher levels of female hormones in their body, which interfere with their male sex chemicals and slow them down.

Casual flings CAN lead to love

The lurve doctors at the University of Iowa in the US have discovered that falling into bed with a guy could be a great way of getting into a serious relationship... really?

Yes, really! The research, carried out by sociologist Anthony Paik with the help of 642 Chicago-siders, found that waiting a long time to get sexually involved with a guy did not necessarily guarantee long-lasting happiness.

Paik said: "We didn't see much evidence that relationships were lower quality because they started off as hook-ups. The study suggests that rewarding relationship are possible for those who delay sex. But it's also possible for true love to emerge if things start off with a more 'Sex and the City' approach, when people spot each other across the room, become sexually involved and then build a relationship."

Paik also revealed that a lot of the couples who were happy in their relationships had got involved after being acquaintances first or becoming "friends with benefits".

So what are you waiting for, girls? Grab a male mate and fall in love!

6 questions to answer before you go back

1. Why did you break up in the first place?
There are some situations in which you should never consider reconciliation. For example, was there abuse involved? Or is there a serious addiction that hasn’t been addressed? These are very difficult if not dangerous issues that must be addressed outside of a relationship… not while you’re in the throes of one. If you had the strength to extricate yourself from a relationship that was potentially deleterious to your own well-being, why would you willingly put yourself back there again?

If infidelity was to blame for the breakup, you will have to decide if this is something you can realistically get past. “If your guy cheated and you take him back, are you both prepared to make peace with the White Elephant in the room and live with it? At least for a while, counted in years?” says Joel Block, Ph.D., author of The Magic of Lasting Love. “It is something that must be done with eyes wide open, taking the long view and being honest with yourself regarding what you are up for handling.”

On the other hand, if by looking back you realize that you broke up because both of you ran up against some issue or problem which you just couldn’t get past at the time — like fear of deeper commitment, some transitional life crisis, or even a fight that you both left unfinished — then it might be worth trying again if, with the benefit of some time, you have had growth or insights about those problems. “All couples have disagreements, even fights, and that is not necessarily a sign of a bad relationship,” says Dan Neuharth, Ph.D., a licensed marriage and family therapist in the San Francisco Bay Area and author of Secrets You Keep From Yourself. “What matters is how you get past disagreements. If you and your ex have a pattern of being able to work through things, that bodes well for the future. If not, better to move on.”

2. What was my part in this breakup? Why would I want him back?
Yes, maybe he screwed up. Big time. But remember, there are two parties in a relationship. Before you even think about reconciliation, you need to consider what you contributed to the breakup as well and how you view it now. “If you are blaming your ex — even though he may have acted badly — but not looking to see if you had any part in this, a reconciliation isn’t as likely to be successful,” says Neuharth. “Own your part.”

This doesn’t mean assigning self-blame for the relationship’s demise, but it does mean being honest with yourself about what you want as well. Perhaps the relationship came to an end precisely because you realized that you two were not compatible on some level or that there were characteristics you couldn’t live with. “You deserve a great relationship, and part of having a great relationship is picking the right partner,” says Neuharth. “Make sure there are far more green lights than red flags, especially on important issues like shared communication styles, honesty, key values and chemistry.”

3. Am I missing him, or just being in a relationship?
Sometimes you undoubtedly feel lost while missing an ex… but is it really the guy you miss, or is it the feeling of being part of a couple instead? It’s often hard to shift your mindset between your perceived identities. Going from coupledom back to singlehood can make a gal feel even more alone in the big, bad world of dating. But if you are mostly missing the relationship — having a partner, having someone to go to movies with on weekends, having someone to talk with, sleep with, play with — remember that this connection can be established with just about anyone. “It may take time and you may feel lonely, but online dating sites are full of people looking to connect!” says Neuharth. “You can have a new relationship that supplies all those things, and you can do it with someone who is a better match for you than your ex, particularly if there were problems between the two of you that are not negotiable.”

Also keep in mind that maintaining your newly single status opens up the possibility of finding Mr. Right, whereas jumping back into a relationship with Mr. Wrong will only preclude you from finding a more suitable someone sooner. “If your reasons for considering getting back together are about abject loneliness and desperation, then you would be much better off getting a puppy,” says Block.

4. What questions do I want to ask him when we speak?
Probably the most important thing you need to find out from an ex trying to win you back is, “Why now?” What is it that has prompted him to come back and seek your forgiveness at this juncture? If he was the dumper, you will want to make sure you really understand why he did it and why he wants you back. “If he left you because he got scared and is coming back because he loves you, that is one thing…then you can talk about why he got scared, and what he will do to make sure he can push through his fears in the future,” says Neuharth.

Other things to consider: Why does he want to reconcile? What has he learned from this breakup? What is different this time? Why should you take him back? Is he just lonely and hasn’t found a better replacement, or is it really you that he’s missing? “If he left because he got bored, met someone else or stopped being into you, those things will almost surely recur,” says Neuharth. “Tell him no deal in that case — and that you are moving on to find a great relationship of your own because he had his chance.”

5. What has changed now that will make things work out when they didn’t before?
To assess this question, you must carefully think about your prior relationship and what precipitated the breakup. (If nothing was wrong, you wouldn’t have ended things, right?)

Did you have clashing desires, needs or temperaments? Did you get bored? Did you bring out the best and the worst in each other, or make each other feel anxious? Did one or both of you actively dislike some of each other’s recurrent behaviors? Had you discussed this previously and tried to correct it? If you did and it didn’t change, why do you think it will be different now?

“I’ve seen more than a few couples who say, well, we broke up before, but when we got back together, we went right back to the way things were,” says Neuharth. “You broke up for a reason, and if it was a good reason, the last thing you want is a return to the old status quo.” In other words, if you don’t address the issues you had when you were together and see how they might have changed or how you can work on them, your shot at success the second time around will be minimal.

This brings up the long-term view as well. “When making any important decision, it is essential to visualize the future — not just now,” says Block. “How will it be living with a recovering addict after the rehab experience wears off and you start hiding your wallet?” In other words, while evidence of change might be in front of you at this moment, take time to think how you’ll feel down the line if this does turn into something serious. You need to make decisions for your future life, not just what feels good and comfy right now.

6. What steps would I want to see taken if we were to try again?
Slow and steady wins this race! There is no such thing as taking a reconciliation too slowly. “Failed reconciliations are generally either those that rush, or those in which one person just cannot get past the mistrust or hurt from the earlier breakup,” says Neuharth. “You want to see steady progress. There may be setbacks or bumps in the road, but you want to be sure you’re going in the right direction this time.”

While the temptation may be high, try not to jump straight back into a pysical relationship, either. Intimacy can lead to better communication, or it can serve as a blindfold for recognizing the problems that were there already (which will not go away just because you’re passionately attracted to each other). It’s important for you to discuss how and when you will reestablish this step in your relationship.

If you’re both open to it, some counseling might be a wise idea. It’s also important not to go from barely seeing each other to spending every waking minute together again. Approach it like you’re getting to know each other anew… only this time with the added benefit of already knowing your partner’s strengths and foibles.

Be open to making a plan together. If you’re truly going to be a duo, then you need to work at reconciliation like a chemistry project… with both partners working toward the same goal.

And always, always listen to that little voice within. Because the decision to take him back or not lies within you, and intuition is frequently the determinant factor.

Finally, realize that if you open your arms again, he’ll be lucky to get you back.

Spring clean your relationship

Do you and your loved one need a fresh start? Follow our top 10 tips to giving your relationship a seasonal spruce...

1. Cleanse your aura
Give your joint living space the once-over. When it's sparkling clean, burn some Jasmine oil to make the environment even more love-friendly.

2. Spruce the sex life
Do you find yourself having an (unsatisfying) fidgety fumble come bedtime? Try having spontaneous sex, like when you walk in from work or wake up late on a Sunday morning.

3. Clean routine
Break habits to avoid monotony within your relationship... a gap in your regular routine could give your union the shake-up it needs.

4. Tidy time
Take time out for the two of you to just 'be'. There's nothing more relaxing than lounging entwined on the sofa and hearing and feeling each other breathe.

5. Polish-ssues
If you never communicate, small problems will soon become split-worthy issues. Sit down and talk through what you love about your relationship and what you'd like to change.

6. Scrub-a-dub-dub
There's nothing more sensual than soaking in a bubble bath for two or lathering each other up in a steamy shower.

7. Throw out workouts
He plays footie with the boys... you go spinnning with the girls. Why not take a brisk walk along the beach together instead? Hand-in-hand, of course.

8. Memory mop
Are you holding on to that past relationship? Get rid of reminders of the ex so you can move on with your current partner.

9. Scrap them
Do you find yourself clinging to each other? It's great to spend time apart, so book in a weekly dinner with your mum or take up a new hobby.

10. Romantic rinse
A picnic in the park or candelight dinner might sound like a cliche, but it's sure to inject a little romance into your relationship.

How To Get Rid of a Hickey

Had a hookup that left you with a love bite? Here’s our quick and easy beauty fix.

Pop a wet spoon in the freezer while you’re getting ready, recommends top makeup artist Carmindy, and gently press it to your neck when it’s nice and cool to reduce swelling. Then take a soft toothbrush, and slowly swipe from the inside to the outside of the bruise to get blood flowing again. See other wacky beauty tips that work.

Follow by gently dabbing on a creamy, thick concealer (our fave is Kevyn Aucoin Sensual Skin Enhancer, $45), a dash of translucent powder, and a scarf or turtleneck to cover the damage. Check out these tricks to look amazing on lousy days.

The Six Main Recipe Ingredients For Relationship Happiness

The Secret Is In The Recipe

Like all recipes whether it is for a pound cake or lasagna there are basic ingredients. Many of us might elect to add our own twist making them more suitable to our palate. However there are some ingredients if removed simply don’t add up to the ideal dish.

You would be hard pressed to make a great pound cake without flour or lasagna without pasta. Those are among the basic ingredients required to make those dishes.

Syntax Matters...

It’s not enough to know the ingredients of a recipe. It’s just as important to know the syntax or (order of things). When you mix ingredients in a different order you get a slightly different result. If you leave one ingredient out or add a different one you also get something else. There is always more than one way to make an entrée. Both KFC and Popeye’s serve fried chicken with completely different recipes. Naturally they both start off with chicken and flour but the spices used vary tremendously.

I believe the foundation of any happy marriage or relationship for that matter is built upon the following 6 building blocks/ingredients. These blocks could also be thought of as chain links with each coming into existence and getting stronger because of the previous one.

1. HONESTY leads to TRUST

2. TRUST leads to LOYALTY

3. LOYALTY leads to LOVE & DEVOTION

4. LOVE & DEVOTION leads to INTIMACY

5. INTIMACY leads to EMOTIONAL SECURITY

6. EMOTIONAL SECURITY leads to REAL HAPPINESS

REAL HAPPINESS is what makes life worth living!!!

Every relationship I have been in which failed I can point to at least one or more of these ingredients that were missing. Honesty is the most important building block of them all.

HONESTY

No relationship can last for long without a large measure of honesty. A relationship without honesty is equivalent to building a house on sand or without a foundation. It's not going to last. The truth will eventually come out or the liar becomes bored with making a fool out of their mate and decides to move on. Everyone is quick to say communication is the key to a happy relationship. It should be said "honest communication" is a key to a happy relationship.

TRUST

The next link in the relationship chain is trust. You can’t build trust without honesty being firmly established. Trust is based upon your mate demonstrating honesty and integrity. Trust is very similar to respect in that it should be earned overtime. It’s not something to be given away lightly. I’ve heard several people say, “I’ll trust anyone until they prove me wrong.”

This way of thinking is a dream come true for any conman!


LOYALTY

“Through thick and through thin, come hell or high water, I’ve got your back!” Simply hearing those words from a loved one can lift your spirits no matter what obstacles in life you may be facing. Knowing you have some place to land should you fall is a safety net you can’t put a price on. Loyalty evokes other words such as commitment, faithful, and trustworthy.

The exchange of wedding vows is nothing more than promising to be loyal (in sickness and good health, until death do you part…etc) in front of witnesses.

There is no loyalty without honesty and trust.


LOVE & DEVOTION

Honesty, Trust, and Loyalty are definitely the foundation of your relationship. It is now time to take the must courageous step of all, completely open your heart offering your mate all the love and devotion they can handle. Putting your heart and soul into anything is always scary and this is especially true when it comes to relationships. No matter how much you prepare there is always a risk of failure, disappointment, and heartbreak. The previous links in the chain are in a particular syntax as to minimize the heartache risk. Putting the cart before the horse can lead to learning a painful lesson.


INTIMACY

Intimacy means different things to different people but essentially its feeling emotionally connected. It’s about sharing your life with someone including your fears, hopes, and dreams in ways you don’t share with most people you know. Intimacy is also about being physically connected. Although sex and its frequency are extremely important in this regard it is also very important to be physically connected outside of the bedroom throughout the day. There is no need to be stingy with hugs, kisses, holding hands, snuggling or taking showers together from time to time in order to stay physically and emotionally connected.


EMOTIONAL SECURITY

When one thinks of the word security it means your needs are being met regardless of circumstances. It’s very similar to having auto insurance, homeowner insurance, and health insurance in the event something dire occurs. You are fully aware assistance is available to help you recover. An emotionally secure person has a support system as well as a positive outlook on life. They are able to make adjustments and keep rolling when they are thrown off track. In order to obtain emotional security it’s important to maintain a well balanced life. This would entail having family, friends, and co-workers you can lean on for support during rough times. Your spouse, mate, or partner in life should be an integral part of your support team. This is the person lying next to you each night and waking up with you each morning. They have made a commitment to walk with you side by side through life’s ups and downs. There is no person closer physically or as emotionally connected to you as your mate.

Being in an emotionally secure relationship means you feel “safe” to open up about anything without being judged or criticized for how you may be feeling. It’s impossible to have emotional security in a relationship without having the previous chain links covered earlier in this chapter. (Honesty, Trust, Loyalty, Love & Devotion and Intimacy)

Well that’s my basic recipe for relationship happiness. Feel free to spice it up and add whatever suits your taste.

Bon Appétit!

Should women be allowed to go topless?

August 22nd was National Go Topless Day.

I didn’t get the memo, but apparently a number of peeps throughout the country did. Gotopless.org is “a U.S. organization, claiming that women have the same constitutional right to be bare-chested in public places as men.” On this celebratory day, the activists called for men to cover up their chests in the name of equal rights, while women either wore red tape with an “X” across their nipples, latex nipple covers over their actual nipples (they have those?), or they just straight up let it all hang out. Protesters carried signs reading such things as "Men and Women have nipples. Why should Women hide theirs?" and "Equal Topless Rights for All or None." Yeah.


In all but a few select locations across the nation, it is illegal for women to show their nipples. A number of cases recognizing a women’s right to go topless have proved successful. In one such case in 1998, a Maine woman who chose to mow her lawn shirtless was threatened by a neighbor with legal action. But, because Maine supports the boobs, the town voters rejected the law to criminalize female breasts. Not only did they reject it, the locals showed their support by purchasing thousands of "Topfree Lawnmower's Association" t-shirts. (Still trying to find out where I can purchase one of those.)

So, we ask, is this criminalizing of female breasts warranted or should women, like men, be able to go shirtless?

Are You More In Love With Him?

Jennifer Oikle, Ph.D., relationship psychologist, dating coach, and founder of MySoulmateSolution.com, says it's common in a new relationship for one person to feel more in love than the other, while the other takes some time to catch up. But if it lasts more than three to six months, the relationship may not be destined to last.

"The way to deal is to limit the amount of contact and the depth of contact for a period of time," she says. "So, you go slow and keep your interests in other areas of your life active, say only calling a couple times of week (instead of every day), not emailing constantly, only going together for a date once during the week and once during the weekend (rather than the whole weekend…)."

She says giving into your love obsession and pursuing the man can cause him to withdraw. If you instead create space, it'll act like a magnet to draw him back. "So, you also hold back on so much showy displays of verbal and physical affection as well, or talk of feelings. Allow him to come to you. Allow him to instigate contact, affection," she says. "This will give him enough breathing room and if it’s meant to be, he’ll move towards you. If he doesn’t--he’s not the one."

Okay, so what if it's the opposite? He is smitten by you and you're getting turned off by his intensity? Dr. Jenn says it's important you set boundaries right away. "Feel free to ask for the space you need, without blaming him or putting him down or slamming the door and running away. Help him understand that’s just a part of who you are," she says. "Give it some time to see if your feelings end up growing to match his, but with time and space."
And if the unequal feelings stick around for a long time--no matter if you're the one who loves more or less? Dr. Jenn suggests you re-evaluate the relationship.

"These kinds of relationships are uncomfortable and painful for both parties- for the person who is always pursuing, feeling hurt trying to get needs met- and for the person who is always withdrawing, feeling smothered and guilty that he/she can’t give the other person what they want," she points out. "Ultimately that kind of relationship takes too much work and causes too much pain. Why not go find someone with whom it is easy and feels good most of the time!"